and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
