yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
