Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
