Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
