I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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