So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
