I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
