and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
