Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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