I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
