The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
