y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
