Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
