I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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