btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize