I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
