Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
