I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
being pregnant is like rehab
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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