Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
