what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
