Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
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My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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