Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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