i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
