so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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