someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
