I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
