Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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