Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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