my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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