Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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