I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
