i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
