How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
