very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.