Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Dating After Heartbreak
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola