he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
