Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
