I'm gonna have a badass scar
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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