If i come over, it means nothing
i already hear my dad disowning me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
