your parents love me but you hate me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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