I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
