I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
