You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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