I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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