How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i believe in u and ur pee
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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