Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
