Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
