But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
