ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
