Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
