Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
