Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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