UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
