They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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