Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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